A recent article on the Internet praised a famous book on parenting, “Between Parent and Child" by psychologist Dr. Haim G. Ginott. The book has just been reissued in a revised and updated version by his widow, Dr. Alice Ginott, who is also a psychologist, and Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, a family life specialist.

    The article’s author mentioned that Dr. Ginott's book teaches something few of us learn in any formal way: how to be an effective parent. It gives various measures on how to rear children in a way that fosters their self-image and self-respect, instills cooperation, ambition and respect for others and the world around them and, above all, teaches them values that can serve them and their fellow beings well for life. The author also mentioned that the lessons from this book applied equally to interactions with adults. The most important of those lessons, according to the author, was never criticize the person, only the behavior you find unacceptable.

    The author of the article quotes the introduction to the new edition, "Unfortunately, even parents who are loving and well-meaning also blame, shame, accuse, ridicule, threaten, bribe, label, punish, preach and moralize. Why? Because most parents are unaware of the destructive power of words. For example, when a child loses his gloves and his parent reacts with fury that is out of proportion to the seriousness of the offense. "You're always losing things. You stupid kid, how can you be so careless?" It creates anger and resentment and may even prompt the child to keep losing things.

    “When parental anger is justified, it should be expressed in a way that brings some relief to the parent, insight to the child and no harmful side effects to either of them," Dr. Ginott suggested. For example, a parent might say: "I'm angry. I keep buying you gloves and they keep getting lost. Perhaps if you'd put them deep in your pocket when you take them off, you'd be less likely to lose them."

    Even praise should deal only with children's efforts and accomplishments, not with their character and personality." Not "You're such a wonderful daughter," but "The yard looks so clean now, thank you."

    Regarding punishment, the article quoted, "When parents punish children, they enrage them. They start to hate themselves and their parents." This does not mean, however, that parents should be overly permissive and let children get away with destructive or undesirable behavior. The child's feelings should be identified and processed, "You seem very angry today. What happened?" and limits should be set and stated firmly and clearly, so that children know what constitutes unacceptable behavior and what can substitute for it.

    The book also tells what one should not do when a child exceeds a well-defined limit. Adding to the child’s anxiety (when he knows that he has done something wrong) does not help matters. Neither is it helpful for parents to argue about the fairness of the limit or to convey weakness by talking too much. Threats like, "Stop it or you'll be sorry. If you throw one more thing, I'll do something drastic!" may prompt the child to repeat the offense to save face.

    The author of the article praised the system of “time-outs” for children, in comparison to other punishments like hitting. The author felt that a “time-out” should be meted out, not as punishment, but to allow children to calm down and think things over. It fosters security by teaching children that when they cannot control themselves, their parents will keep them safe.